Some Days I'm Not a Great Student

I wake to the all too familiar bells of my alarm and I feeling it welling up inside already. It’s Thursday and I’m tired for a million reasons. Wednesdays are late nights and today holds house cleaning, more than one load of laundry, groceries, and of course school. I’m overwhelmed at the thought of starting the day which just makes me angry.

No one wants to start the day angry.

I struggle through the day, it’s not easy, but I knew that it wouldn’t be which is precisely why it’s not. I just want to get everything done and wake to another day that holds less to do and more time. I’m grouchy, I’m naggy with the kids, I’m angry with my husband because really I could use his help. I mean a clean house with a stocked pantry and drawers full of clean clothes is way more important than choosing what colors should be on a homepage.

Yes that’s mean and crazily inaccurate and I know this but it doesn’t keep my brain from going there anyway.

Anger does that, it makes you think irrationally.

When the day is over, the kids are sufficiently educated, the house is clean, the groceries are put up, and the clothes are folded and put away it’s not relief that I feel, instead it’s guilt.

I feel guilty for hurrying a day away, even a busy one. I feel guilty for getting angry with my husband for doing his job instead of helping with mine. I feel guilty for being annoyed by the kids and being short with them. I feel guilty for letting the anger win.

Who cares if there is food in a clean house and clean clothes to wear if I’ve managed to make everyone in the household miserable and the thought of using our everydays to glorify God is just a joke. It’s amazing how destructive a seemingly productive day can really be.

The thing is, I’m still a student and He’s still the teacher. I’m learning to take the days by hours, some days I’m not a great student. I’m learning to breathe and pray then pray and breathe. I’m leaning to let go of some things that don’t really matter. I’m learning that teaching character and showing character are two different things. I’m learning that reading and studying the Bible more can reduce the number of days like this. I’m praying that my family has a fraction of the mercy that He does.

2 thoughts on “Some Days I'm Not a Great Student

  1. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!—–When I am able to catch on to my bad attitude quickly (which unfortunately doesn’t always come as quickly as it should) I have to go somewhere by myself and just repent. Repent for having such a cruddy attitude, and for not treating my kids the way I need to. I remember not too long ago (never mind the raging hormones :)) that I tried so many times to pray and get my heart right, that I was almost at whits end. I remember praying, Lord, I am so grumpy, you’ve got to help me!!!! I don’t remember how the day ended, but thankfully, kids can be very forgiving!
    He is truly merciful, longsuffering, and able to meet every need.

  2. Oh, Casey, I wish this did not ring so true for me as well– wish I did not know what you’re talking about. But how often I forget what the process is for, what the home is for, that the food and the clothing and the floors and carpets, clean or dirty, are all gift. Thanks for sharing this, and calling it what it is. For being vulnerable and showing your (our) need of grace.

    It was so good to meet you– our conversation before that last afternoon session on Saturday about photography and art and money and expectations really ministered to me– in a “maybe I’m not totally crazy” kind of way. Blessings to you!

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